I knew it was coming. The storm. Everything was so good it was scaring me. I was looking around wondering what it might be? A death, sickness,losing a job….BUT All I could do and am called to do is bless his name no matter if I am in plenty or in need. Well my storm has come and I am calling on him. In tears and in pain.
I don’t think anyone understands how it feels to lose a baby….six weeks, six days or six years. It hurts. Only a mother knows and understands. The baby is yours the day you conceive…you talk to it, you love it, feed it and imagine what its going to look like, its yours to “carry” forever.
Then you carry the guilt of not only miscarring one baby but yet another. What was it? I need an answer, I want an answer. But if you listen….the answer is clear.
Then you must stop yourself and have complete self control from being ….dare I say it…ANGRY. The thought must leave you immediately because, there is just know room for it. You know what its going to do and you want know part in it…so instead you turn to the same God who gave and took away your baby and bless his name. You cry out to him with your hubby and by yourself and you pray. You pray for the baby to be safe…to hear a heartbeat, to give you a miracle. You pray hard. You ask for forgiveness, for wisdom, for peace and joy. You ask that you learn from it and you ask him to speak to you. At the same time your fighting the temptation…the devil..he wants you to turn you back on the Lord in anger. But you repeatedly have to remind him to STAY WAY and GET OUT……
You must remind yourself by keeping verses in your head and saying them over and over and over….Isaiah 55:8, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.” this is the way God planned it to be. His answer was “no” You can’t be a victim right now. You must be aware of what he’s doing inside of you….you must remind yourself of his promises…Jer 29:11 (NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Slowly you begin to feel that peace…slowly. Knowing that others are praying for you. Knowing that others know how you feel. Knowing that they are also carring your burden. YES GOD is near…he is here and he does hear me. You read a verse, you hear a story, you talk to you mom or a friend and they have the right words. He is speaking to me through the bible or the powerful prayer of my loving husband. His blessings even in the mist of my pain are still present and very visible. Then I take a look at the two little miracles that he has given me. Perfect. MIRACLES. and my tears come but with joy.
I will never abandoned him. HE the Lord is all I have. He knows my longing for a big family. He knows how much my children are loved. I trust him. He knows what he is doing. He has never left me and for that my faith remains strong. He knows what I desire and I know he will give me other children to love in heaven and on earth.
So at the end of a hard day….the tears aren’t coming down as hard….softly now….the holy spirit dwelling in me and I am able to smile… my grief is bring me closer to him and my palms are up my eyes are closed……